


A Tainted Soul

by Willowingends



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Blood, Gen, Minor Character Death, Moral Ambiguity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-08 14:18:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6858391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowingends/pseuds/Willowingends
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The First Wizarding War changed people. Lessons were learned young. Young adults learned lessons that they never should have. Lily Evans had just graduated Hogwarts. Lily Evan had just broken the highest law she'd made for herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Tainted Soul

Only an hour ago she'd been laying across the top of her little station-wagon, her red hair splayed across the tan hood as she stared up at James and laughed gaily as he and Sirius flew above her, as Remus and Peter goaded the young men on under the light of the summer sun. Only a month ago she'd graduated from Hogwarts, head of her class, Head Girl, and engaged to James Potter. Only a week ago had she been officially initiated into the Order of the Phoenix.

Only a minute ago she'd been an innocent woman with a whole soul.

 

The battle had been a sudden one. Unknown, unplanned for. Dumbledore's patronus reached them first. Maybe it had been meant as a test, a challenge of their reaction time. Perhaps it had been chance. All Lily knew was that mere seconds after Dumbledore's voice had came from the silvery phoenix James and Sirius had been on the ground. She had reached out, grabbing James' hand as her fiance turned and Apparated away, the other three only a moment behind. It had been with practiced ease that they landed in the streets of Hogsmeade, Lily, holding James' hand, throwing up a shielding spell while Peter, hand on Remus' arm, had thrown up one of his own. Where they met in the middle stood Sirius, eyes darting, wand arm raised parallel with James' and Remus' as they searched for the threat.

So young and yet already so prepared for war.

Remus had spotted them first, turning towards the Three Broomsticks just a fraction of a second before the doors exploded outwards under the wands of a group of cloaked figures. A pile of dark cloaks, faces masked, moving through the doors with laughter as the singed smell of dark spells wafted from the inn. Lily's nose scrunched up. It reminded her of Mary's hair after Mulciber had cursed her. It reminded her of bitter days and lost friends.

She didn't have time to dwell though. The boys had already moved forward, a solid unit who had years of experience together. She felt the odd one out as she tailed them, watching their backs as they drew the attention of the Death Eaters, firing their own jinxes and hexes. Only meant to incapacitate. Because they were human, because they could not stand to take another being's life. Because to kill would be to murder themselves.

It was odd how many inconsequential thoughts flooded her mind when she was faced with danger. 

Moving forward, Lily watched as the groups spaced out, James and Sirius dueling one cloaked figure with a voice that verged on hysterical- Peter and Remus back-to-back as they cast shield charms and stunners repetitively as their opponents tore through their defenses. They stood apart, and yet they still moved as one. A seamless display of trust, of training, of familial love. 

And her own Protegos jumped into being to protect Sirius when he turned too late and his leg was seared by a spell, her own shout of Incendio catching the robes of a woman on fire as she dove towards Peter, her wand in his hand from a well cast Expelliarmus. It was her spells that protected them when they feel just a bit short. Her spells that kept up with them, but never moved in perfect tandem. But then again, she had not spent seven years getting to know them.

It was adrenaline coursing through her bones that kept her focus. It was fear that made her eyes dart around, searching for their back-up. It was her training that forced her to notice a man sprinting off, a toddler kept up under his arm as he ran. It was her logical mind that told her the child must be a half-blood, kidnapped to instill fear in the public that none of their children were safe. It was sentiment that whispered the young girl looked like Petunia had when she was four.

Moving quickly, not sure where the death eater was going but determined to stop him, Lily took off down the main street of Hogsmeade. The sun shining down on the village and the warmth of the summer air almost made it feel like she was a kid playing a game of tag. Or a third year again, eager to race through the town one last time before the year was over. Now there was no delight and laughter, only desperation and her ragged breathing. All the Auror training in the world couldn't make up for staying in shape. She made a mental note to start jogging again before she directed all of her attention towards the black cloak that had just whipped around a corner. 

She attempted to keep all her spells non-verbal at first. The element of surprise was gone in the fact he could obviously hear and see her chasing them down, so she had to rely upon him not knowing what spells she was going to hit him with. For a few streets this worked. Her stunners may miss, her aim off with her in motion, but her jinxes sent to slow him down brought him closer and closer to her. Soon she had to start breathing out her spells in gasps though. The exertion tore her concentration away from the spells in her mind, tore the words from her throat as she panted to keep up with him and still try to stop him. 

Then they rounded the corner into the open field just passed Hogsmeade, just passed the Apparation barriers that had been set up during the war. And she knew, Lily knew in that instant if she did not stop him they would lose the child forever. Skidding to a halt, her wand flew up, trained right upon his back as he started to turn. Breathing in raggedly, she shouted out “Stupefy!” Just before he could complete his turn. 

And, by Merlin's grace, he toppled over. The young girl fell under his body and Lily raced forward, desperately tugging her out from under him. She prayed to every unnamed force that she wasn't harmed. When her hands came back dry and when she could hear the young girl crying, she let a gasp escape her that sounded more like a sob than anything else. She gathered the young one to her chest, threading her fingers through her hair. 

“There now, there now. You're safe. Thank Merlin, you're safe.” She murmured softly against her hair. She rocked her back and forth, regaining her breath. Her throat ached from inhaling so sharply, her legs and arms burned. But she had saved the child, she had done what she had trained for. 

It was worth it.

Cradling the child against her chest, Lily looked up, her eyes darting around. She was certain the Death Eater she'd been chasing was down for the count, but she had to be vigilant. She had to be sure that she had not been followed herself.

The surrounding area was clear, she could heart footsteps on the road behind her, but they were not accompanied by the crack of robes in the wind, they were not an enemy. Before her lay the Death Eater, his body caught in a stupor, his chest raising and falling with-

No.

No it wasn't lifting with the slow breathing of one Stunned.

Lily felt her head spin for a moment, her hands digging into the back of the child. She heard the little girl whimper in her ear, she heard that, and then she only heard a tunnel of wind.

Blood pooled behind the head of the man, trialing sluggishly across the parched earth of the path. Seeping into the dirt, staining it a darker brown.

Lily began to scream.

Her screams were shrill, broken sounds. Each scream interrupted by a ragged breath, but the reality of what she had done would not allow her to stop the torture of her throat. She could not feel the child pushing away from her, being pulled from her. She could not feel the earth below her, she could not move her eyes from the sight of the dead body before her. Still, soulless, a product of her wand, her hand, her. 

Forcibly she was picked up by the waist, picked up and swung around. A screen of black hair, of leather jacket, stepping between her and the body. “Lily, Lily.” A voice whispered to her, holding her against his chest to prevent her from seeing the body, another voice calling commands out behind her. Sirius, Remus.

When her screams ended, the trembling did not. Her body shook with fear, with loathing. She trembled in Sirius' arms, eyes wide in shock.

She had damned herself and became a monster. She had become no better than them.

A monster coiled up inside of her. Self-loathing, anger, and a fierce desire to atone, to set herself apart. She turned swiftly, breaking away from Sirius, her wand drawn. She could not save that life, but surely, surely there was something else she could do. 

“The child, where is the child.” 

“Here Lily, here. She's here, she's safe.” Peter stood before her, the child held safe against his own chest, his eyes wide as he stared at her, stared passed her.

Bile burned at Lily's throat.

“James, where's James?” She demanded next, taking a few steps forward. If anyone had harmed him, if he was hurt, she would go to him. She'd heal him with her meager skills. She would save a life, she would atone, somehow she must atone.

“Remus sent him to Dumbledore, sent me and Peter after you, to help you if you needed it.” Sirius didn't flinch away at Lily's laughter, her sharp, hysterical laughter. “Everyone's safe. Everyone... Everyone on our side, is safe.” His voice remained calm, attempting to sooth her, and Lily felt herself tremble apart again.

With the adrenaline of the fight, of the killing, bleeding out of her, Lily collapsed to the sound of Sirius crying out in shock and Peter shouting for Remus.

 

Lily woke up to soft darkness. A light shone in the hallway, her bedroom. Well, the spare bedroom in Sirius and James' apartment that had been given to her, just as the spare office had been made into a room for Moony or Peter when they decided to stay with the other two boys. For a moment she felt safe, she felt calm, she could not remember why every ounce of her ached.

The arms around her were James', the lips pressed to her red hair were James'. Her red hair, his soft and kind and gentle lips. 

Lily leaned over the bed and threw up into the bin.

She flinched away from the soothing hands rubbing at her back. She turned away as he leaned down to gather her hair away from her face. She did not deserve his gentle touch, the warmth with which his dark hands tried to gift her. She was a tainted woman now. A young girl turned woman in mere hours in a bath of blood. She wretched again, coughing violently as she dry-heaved. 

“Lily, lovely Lily.” James whispered as he moved again to rub her back, and she sobbed.

“There's nothing lovely about me.” She spat. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, eyes closed. She refused to look at what was surely his pitying face. Refused to see the light and love that would surely be there when she no longer deserved it. “I killed today James. I killed someone. I'm.... I'm a monster.”

She could feel him shaking his head behind her, the violence of it shaking the bed, but he did not pull back. He pulled her closer, gathering her to his chest. “No. You're not a monster. You're nothing like them. You don't kill for fun. It was an accident.” He repeated that last line in her ear. It became a mantra in the dark. A whispered sentence against her skin, soothing her and calming her. Or attempting to calm her, because every time her eyes fluttered closed she could see the dark brown pool of blood seeping into the ground.

“I can't kill again.” Lily stuttered out after a few moments of trying to take in all the love, all of the trust James had in the goodness of her soul. “If I ever kill again, I don't think my soul could ever recover.”

“You won't, I know you won't. I believe you won't.” He murmured softly, drawing his fingers gently through her hair. “An even if you approached that point, you'd have me, and Sirius and Remus and Peter. We'll all be there, for each other, just in case.” 

Lily nodded, weakly and uncertainly. She was not sure if any of her Gryffindor boys could stop her if killing was what she was destined to do. But she had to trust him, had to believe, at least for now, that she would never fall into the trap that was the joy of taking lives.


End file.
